It has been said that there is more than one way to skin a cat, but I submit that washing it may be slightly crueler. The way a cat reacts to being bathed you would think they shared DNA with Oz's late great Western Witch. Notwithstanding the difficulty it still must be done. The cat cleans itself with its tongue so when it loses its winter coat you have to bathe it. A favor so that it doesn't spend many unfortunate and painful hours hawking loudly in the back of your closet and depositing the hair in your loafers. The first thing you have to accomplish is the placing of an animal terrified by drops of water flung at it into a full tub. The second is to get the screeching and clawing animal with the strength to jump five feet straight in the air to sit still while washing it. The third is to get this poor, damp wretch into a towel and out of the tub safely. If you can accomplish all these things for the welfare of your furry friend you are sure to be rewarded with many cuts and scratches and scars, psychological and physical. Loving cats is such a masochistic thrill. To begin with, focus on remembering that it has sharp, sharp claws.
A tub is a wonderland of fright for a cat. One method of disciplining cats is to spray them with a stream of water from a squirt bottle when they exhibit undesired behaviors.
This frightens them so much that they will leap, juke, or bolt in any direction. I have witnessed my one cat leap from the floor to the top of my refrigerator (a distance of almost six feet) to avoid getting wet. Consider, now, the difficulty in putting this animal into a tub of water. The Garfield cartoons are a pretty accurate resource of what this looks like. The cat will throw all four limbs out and cling to the sides of the tub as if for their very lives. Cats always go to high ground so if you release your hold at all, make no mistake, they will climb you to get away since the top of your head is the highest point in the room. The secret is so simple you might immediately overlook it. Put them in a dry tub and then fill it very slowly with water. The cat is not at all afraid of being in a dry tub. They will be wary, of course, because they are smart enough to know what's coming. Remember it has claws.
Hold them gently but firmly with the forefinger and the ring finger split like a yoke on their neck and the thumb and remaining fingers behind the shoulder bones (which will be very easy to feel as the cat struggles against you. Assert a very, very gentle pressure to try and encourage the cat to lay down, they will be easier to keep in one place if they are not standing up. Slowly turn on the water to a trickle and let them get slowly comfortable with it, they will not capitulate but they will stop resisting after a small while. Using the same hand position try and restrain the cat, then pour water over their back using a plastic cup. They must be as wet as possible before you put a cat-specific shampoo across the back in a thin line. The shampoo is important for two reasons. Cat skin is sensitive and easily irritated by too harsh a cleaner and cats swallow the hair they groom from themselves with anything that's on it. Once you have massaged the shampoo in try and gently wash to face if the cat will let you. Wash their back and paws, then their legs, then try to get them to stand and wash their underbelly. Slowly pour water over the back of the cat to rinse it agitating the hair to release the soap. It is important for the previously mentioned reasons to get all the soap out of the cats fur. Again, remember it has claws.
Once you have the cat clean the third, difficult step will seperate the men from the boys. If you let your hand up the cat will try and climb the nearest thing to it, namely you. If you quickly jump away from the tub the cat will scramble out possibly injuring itself with the flight but certainly dragging nasty bathwater and tons of hair with it all over your carpet. If you just stay put eventually your hands will get pruny, and nobody wants that. So here we go... First pull the plug on the bathwater. With one hand you must drape a towel over the struggling feline and try to wrap it up. With the water gone the cat will start to relax. Gently drape the towel and slowly release your hand while sliding the towel around the cat. Cocoon the cat with the towel and pick it up, ensuring all of the cat's limbs are wrapped up. Move it to the floor and carefully dump the towel. It is likely the cat will be insulted, but will also be compliant now. As compliant as any cat will ever be, anyway. It will let you towel dry it but mostly will want to be left alone to soothe it's offended dignity with a long bath and a nap. Try to make sure you give it a can of tuna for the healing process, they are vindictive but quick to forgive if your nice to them.
If you manage to survive this process you are brave and skillful. Your cat will thank you and the rest of the house is sure to appreciate the slightly thinner coating of hair this year. The last thing I might mention is the first aid. Mostly the cat will leave you with gouges, scrapes and puncture wounds. The puncture wounds will heal without being covered but should be swabbed with alcohol. The scratches and scrapes, gouges and slashes should all be carefully cleaned and covered. They will itch but that's natural. If you experience any strange symtpoms like fever, nausea, chills or fatigue you should definitely get medical attention as there are a number of infections a cat's claws could open you up to. The risk of Toxoplasmosis is very real to pregant women so do not attempt to bathe a cat if you are with child. It is a parasitic infection found in cats droppings that can be on their claws from scratching in their litter. Toxoplasmosis can do quite a bit of harm to the baby so steer clear, mommy. It is recommended to bathe your cat four times a year. I have found that once a year is plenty for me but every cat and every circumstance is different. You will find the best routine for your situation. Try not to dread bathing your cat, to coin the phrase, it is more afraid of the bath than you are of bathing it.
1 comment:
This will work, but not as instructions. I know you're interested in humor, but wry or droll instructions for a task your reader has no intention of ever turning his hand to are a humorist's nightmare--the humor is imposed from without, pressed down on the reader like we were a cat being washed....
A writer may find humor in situations, but if he does it will be as big a surprise to him as it is to the reader, and the only way to genuinely find it is to write it first-person style, jettisoning the narrator-persona and substituting ML.
In short, tell us how you wash your cat and god help you if you tell me you don't have a cat!
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